“So, is that for people who have anger management problems?” It’s a question I often hear when I tell people I teach Nonviolent Communication (NVC). There are a lot of ways to respond to that question. One approach I like is to share that, no, NVC isn’t just about overt violence, it’s about the subtle roots of violence that pervade our culture and our ways of thinking about things. For example, every time I think the word “should” I am likely planting a seed for violence.
“I should do this.” “You should do that.” When I think these thoughts, it is very easy for them to be accompanied by an impulse to apply a little force if the person in question resists doing what we think they ought to do. Overt violence is what happens when we take to an extreme an impulse to force people to do what they “should.” But even subtle attempts to get people to do things by force risk degrading our quality of life.
The problem is that when we try to force something to happen, we are inevitably failing to appreciate and take into account the good reasons why the action is being resisted. And there is always a good reason—a beautiful need that the person is trying to achieve by doing something other than what we think they “should” do. In trying to force matters, we ignore the need behind the resistance. At best, this yields resentment and reduced willingness to work together in the future. At worst, nobody ends up getting what they want.
I have come to think of my “should” thoughts as generally misguided and unkind, even as in some sense small acts of violence. This perspective has been useful for me personally. I have often been frustrated by a seeming inability to relax completely. There would always be unwanted tension in parts of my body. It occurred to me that, very likely, behind each bit of tension is a thought that I “should” be doing something—and a paired impulse to resist whatever the “should” was prescribing. I started, when I noticed tension, asking “What is the ‘should’ thought behind this tension?” Given that I know better than to believe all my “should” thoughts, I have found that when I can name the “should,” any corresponding tension often melts away. So, hunting for “shoulds” has become a route to inner peace.
Often, we think about NVC as being about transforming the conflicts we get into with other people. But often our most severe conflicts are inside ourselves. Fortunately, NVC has lots to offer when it comes to transforming inner conflict. For a start, you might explore becoming more aware of your “shoulds.”