Parents dream of family harmony, cooperative, well-behaved children poised to thrive in life, and warm, loving relationships. Yet, in most families, power struggles and conflict often seem to get in the way of fully realizing this ideal. Given that Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an excellent tool for transforming conflict and deepening intimacy, it seems natural to look at how NVC can help parents and children to enjoy themselves and each other more.
NVC is as much about ways of thinking as it is about what we actually say. NVC suggests that we become aware of the underlying universal human needs that we and our children are trying to meet through our actions, rather than focusing on positions concerning what is the “right” or “wrong” way of doing things.
An illustration might help. A while back a friend, call her Sue, was talking about her battles to get her daughters to do a variety of tasks that she believed were important. One example was that of getting her 7-year old daughter, Erin, to wash her hands after going to the bathroom. It was easy to identify the need behind Sue’s position — she wanted Erin and everyone else to be healthy. I asked Erin what happened for her that led to not washing. She told me that when she was thinking about the fun things she wanted to be doing she would forget about hand washing and rush off to play. “It sounds like you really want to have fun and play, is that right?” I asked, identifying the needs that were apparently alive for her. When Erin confirmed that impression, I offered “Do you think you might find it easier to remember to wash your hands if we could find a way to make it fun? Do you have any idea how we might do that?” “Scented soaps!!” was her immediate reply. Thus was born a new strategy for meeting both Sue’s need for health and Erin’s need for fun. Strategies that respect and attempt to meet the felt needs that are up for everyone involved are much more likely to elicit cooperation and success in meeting those needs.
Focusing on needs offers a way around impasse. The universality of needs like “health” or “fun” offers us a basis for understanding and feeling connected to one another. Considering fundamental needs rather than concrete positions opens up space for creative solutions. NVC can do a great deal more than this. It can open up space for authenticity, joyful giving, more freedom, and more closeness.
I want to support parents and children in having the sort of life together that they really long for. Parents and children go through countless frustrations, large and small. I am excited about the possibility of supporting the transformation of at least some of this frustration into peace and delight.
To that end, I will be hosting an NVC-based parenting class starting on January 12, 2008. The class will in part be a book group, based on the book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson. An additional reference will be Inbal Kashtan’s Parenting from Your Heart. Participants will be invited to talk about how they might apply the ideas offered in these books and share parenting challenges. I will facilitate discussion, offer exercises to bring the ideas to life, and support the growth of understanding and skill about using NVC to help participants parent in a way they enjoy. I look forward to together creating a rich, supportive experience for those engaged in the challenging and wonderful activity of parenting.
This class is intended to add to participants’ options as parents, not to burden them with new expectations about what they “have to” do to try to live up to some fantasy of what the ideal parent might be. I hope you will view the class as an intriguing opportunity, and join us in exploration and learning.
After my conversation with Sue, Erin and her sister, their dad asked the girls if they had enjoyed being asked about their thoughts, concerns, and ideas about what they were being asked to do. The 11-year old affirmed that, “It was good”, and then added emphatically “It almost never happens!!” I long for children and parents both to feel heard, and to experience the respectful support that would help everyone to thrive.